Staying

 I was talking with friends this past weekend and one of them shared a current life situation going on in their life. I listened, and we exchanged observations, remarks, and discussed the weight of the current situation he was in. What came out of my mouth as we were discussing this hard situation was, “It’s hard to stay”.

My husband went through a season of personal, and I would even say spiritual growth, but you can ask him about that. He went through it, but when you are married, you (hopefully) go through life together which usually means that what one significant other is going through, the other feels the impact of that: good, bad, ugly, beautiful, complicated, all of it.

I like to fix everything. I like solutions. I love resolutions. I thoroughly enjoy projects and figuring things out. I built three bookcases for my mom the summer I turned sixteen for fun. I was gifted a bookshelf after I graduated from grad school. The company did not put directions in the box. Even Google could not tell me how to build it. My dad and I spent three glorious satisfying hours putting it together figuring it out as we went. After Trevor and I got married, I was the one who was excited to put the coffee table and Ikea night stands together. This past August, I even started putting a new garbage disposal in. It got too complicated so Trevor, my husband, had to finish it BUT I HELPED! It has become more obvious over the past three years that I am a fixer especially when someone comes to me with a problem. If I cannot fix it, I feel unsettled and I would even go as far to say situational anxiousness because it is not solved, not moved past, with a nice little ribbon on top returning everyone back to homeostasis. I have had to work on not rushing to give people solutions when it is more loving and productive to simply listen and just be with them in that moment of struggle; not be so quick to move past the situation with an answer.

I felt a moment of relief and self-forgiveness after I said that statement to my friend. When Trevor was working through the parts of life some months ago, there were instances where I wanted to leave the house for the weekend instead of sitting with him in the “mess”. I vividly remember a specific Saturday morning from last summer. I was about to get ready for the day, the thought of , “I could call my mother in-law and leave town with Carson for the weekend. Leave Trev behind, no one would ask questions.” had crept across my mind. Because how dare he drag me down and ruin a weekend after a busy work week with his feelings and emotions, inconveniencing me with having to help him in a moment of vulnerability. I could leave him alone, let him deal with his “junk”. It is not mine anyway. That thought, it was a cop-out. I did not leave that weekend, I stayed. Quite frankly, it was not the most fun weekend I have ever had, and it was not the easiest weekend either. Looking back now, I am glad I stayed in the uncomfortable, the messy, and the difficult with him.

I chose to date Trevor. I chose to marry Trevor. I chose and continue to choose to love Trevor unconditionally every day which means that I have decided to take a different posture of the heart with him. I will admit, in other areas of life, I have walked away when it gets hard. I trained for a half marathon a few years ago. About a week before the half marathon, I signed up for, I set out to run close to the full half (you can argue with how I train later). I got out of the house later than I wanted that day, my legs started fatiguing around mile ten, I got hungry, and I cut the mileage short because “what does it matter?”. Well it did matter because I never ran what I wanted to, it got hard, I went home, and I did not adequately prepare for that real event. It reflected in my finish time. I cheated my training. With my husband, I do not ever want to cheapen my relationship because I value him, I cherish him, and I made him a vow, a commitment, that I would stay with him through whatever life has to offer. I promised to put him first, even if it forces me out of my selfish comfort zone and convenient comfortable emotional state of being. I kept my promise to him and we both grew together through all the personally tough weekends. We made it together. We both stayed around to come out the other side of it together, an even stronger couple that enjoys and loves each other greater than before.

Now there are times when you should leave, but that is not what I am touching on here. If you are in a situation where you feel unsafe, in danger, or not taken care of, you need to do what is best for you. There are resources and people who can help you.

I hope you choose to stick it out this year, whatever you are going through, with a significant other, a family member, a friend, a job, a sibling, a co-worker, you name it. I hope you find value, fidelity, and the grace to stay in that horribly messy and rough situation that does not look too promising. I hope you stay grounded in who you are and what you promised. I hope that situation does work out and my hope is that you both (or the whole group) come out the other side bonded and stronger with a different posture of the heart.

Shalom,

 

Rachelle